When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
