you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
