Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Vodka?
Forever.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
