seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
