Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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