I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
