More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
