I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Damn victory sex feels great
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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