Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
how drunk are you?
Several
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
