what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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