I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
