When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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