It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
the raccoons are back...
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