Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
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It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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