I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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