pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
