he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
