FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
