omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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