He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
