So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
