If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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