Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
