i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
