her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
