Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
