I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
