I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
