This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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