Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
