i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
