can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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