Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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