I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
