My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The air was thick with penises
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
