if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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