I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
as a side note pls kill me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
