I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
