im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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