I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
