literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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