I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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