I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Terrible idea I love it
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
