Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
