i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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