Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
