my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
