the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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