can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
