I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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