Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
