is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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