hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
