Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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