No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
