so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
