ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
