chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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