I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
